Well since my last entry, i have been having thoughts, and memories, haunting me like the plague spreading out through my body. I see Jose's face where ever i go, and its hard because, we went to a lot of places. So its hard for me to go anywhere, and when i get my life back together, i would want to go to my favorite places, with someone i care about, am just afraid of having to think of jose, and fall back into depression and miss him all over again. Fear, of going with someone and then thinking to myself that it doesn't feel right, because the person I' am with is not the person i want him to be. I feel to shake off the hurt, and pain that i have inflected on him, the person that meant so much to me, that supported me. I miss him to this day, and it hurts so much. I hate myself for it, and that you have no idea how much i would hate myself. I tend to punish myself in ways that are not life threatening. I tend to distance myself from those that love me, my family, and friends. I tend to stay away and break any forms of communication. but now am starting to go to therapy, counseling, and in the process of looking for a 12 step program, am beginning to look for my family, and friends. Am, beginning to understand the one person that was confused, lost, depressed, angry, frustrated, and tormented...me. Am tired, for 8 years. my addiction has had a control over me, and i didn't know what force of addiction it was. I wasn't sure what possessed me, and what had me under control. I had felt that something so powerful had me in a battle like, the scene of lord of the rings, the battle for middle earth, where the humans raced against time, charging towards the trolls, and goblins, to fight for one thing, one purpose. and i just stand back waiting to see what the outcome of the battle will be, and who's side am i on?
I have regrets, and i have issues.with who? my family, we were'nt the family i would've liked to be. But most of all i have more issues with me then i do with my family.